To Live & Die in LA (Home)

To Live & Die in LA

(Home)

Some say, “Home is where the heart is.” I say, “The heart is where home is” or better yet “the heart is home.” Now, whether this is just some fancy play on words or if those subtle changes in words actually have significance is up to you, but I know for me having “my heart in home” and “home in my heart” is a significant difference. See, love is our true divine home and the heart is where love resides, but love is too abundant & eternal to be tied down to one place, person or thing.  For many Home is considered to be a special place that whenever you feel alone/lost in this world you can turn to and find peace, familiarity, comfort, acceptance and most importantly unconditional love. And I used to share these same sentiments until my “Home away from Home”, Los Angeles provided me with the duality of struggle/discomfort coupled with freedom that I was able to discover/experience what truly constitutes a “Home”. See, when I first stepped off that plane in Burbank back in Sept of 2009 for what I like to call my “preliminary LA experience”, I had no idea why I had gone “so far” just to attend a school and study the very thing I had been studying back in Philly at the school I transferred from. In fact I was even in what I at the time believed to be a 3 yr. serious (might I add) relationship. But something in my spirit felt and therefore knew something was off and my subconscious knew exactly what it was doing bringing me “so far”. But my conscious mind told me that I wasn’t worthy of the enriching life experiences that my subconscious had longed for due to my past & recent encounters with my peers/colleagues, family and even my supposedly significant other and lets not even mention my own personal thoughts. Not only that, I was 50-60 pounds over weight and worst of all I simply did not love myself. Now, I’ve learned, thanks to an accumulation of experiences that only Los Angeles (county) could have offered me that I didn’t love myself because I wasn’t being myself (true to myself). See, not loving myself was a symptom not the condition/diagnosis. The diagnosis was I had lost touch of my essence and therefore was essentially “homeless”. But somewhere deep within, my higher self knew that I wasn’t who I was being and was determined to get her back or at least remember her to an extent and that’s where LA came into play. LA has graciously provided me the space & opportunity to lose myself (countless times) and find my true self again every single time. LA has given me a place of life, death & rebirth. LA has been a place/space of comfort and discomfort alike, a place of security and doubt/fear, a place of acceptance and isolation all for the sake of reopening my heart to love, where our true home resides. I have discovered my darkness, vices & "demons" in LA and had my “good times” with them. I’ve reasserted myself/strength through major weight loss and self-reinvention in LA. I’ve experienced true love underneath the stars of the Hollywood Hills at Universal City Walk for the very first time at age 21 in LA. I’ve walked the streets of North Hollywood holding hands with my best friend who as well became a “home” for me in LA. I’ve also come to learn that “letting go” for the sake of elevation doesn’t necessarily discontinue the eternal love shared between individuals in LA. I’ve skipped down the street with a dearest friend for over 3 miles singing songs of “The Wiz” together aloud in LA. I have reignited my passion & confidence for acting/performing in LA. So you see, LA hasn’t only become my “home away from home”, but also reminded me of the many homes I’ve always had all along; on the stage, holding a microphone, in a song on the radio, in front of the camera, being apart of a cast/ensemble, letting my guard down in the presence/arms of a soul I’ve bonded with on a level beyond words. I not only found myself in LA, I found/regained my truths in LA. I gained enlightenment here in LA; I’ve crossed paths with some of the most unique individuals whom forever left their impact/enriched my human experience here in LA. I’ve gotten to know Allah (the Creator) on an intimate level in LA. You know, maybe I was already dead when I arrived that Fall in 2009 and LA brought me back to life. Or, maybe I have and will live & die several times in LA, each time resurrecting me back to the opened heart place of love as I continue to ascend along the process until I fully awaken from the illusion like Dorothy in the “Wonderful Land of Oz”. One thing I do know is no matter where this journey takes me or how “far” I travel just like the stage, or with my “Toto”(dog, Roxy), amongst my family, being on camera, holding a microphone or simply being with my very own thoughts that are aligned with the Divine Omnipresent, LA has contributed to the opening of my heart earning it’s space as a place I can go to on this Earth and be at “Home”…..and ”be it ever so humble, there’s no place like Home” – John Howard Payne

“Living here in this brand new world might be a fantasy, but it’s taught me to love oh yeah and so it’ real, it’s so real, it’s real to me. And I’ve learned that we must look inside our hearts to find a world full of love, like yours, like mine, like home.”

-Stephanie Mills